Confessions of an FTM-1

With the little one sleeping peacefully by my side, I start writing about what I have been meaning to from a long time. Talking about time, I think it put on its fastest shoes in 2016 and is running as if it is being chased by a predator. I freshly remember how I felt when I saw a positive pregnancy test – confused + surprised. I still hold the same emotion with my junior unraveling each of his many talents every day.  As an FTM (first time mom), I feel overwhelmed and can’t help but wonder what a steep albeit good turn life took in the past year. I don’t have to romanticize pregnancy- there are enough movies that do this. I want to confess that pregnancy is not a walk in the park like they show. It is more like a roller coaster. Also, below picture please.

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Here’s a quick snapshot of my journey to motherhood:

The bumpy ride of nine months:

Sure, it was bumpy. Physically, my pregnancy was not exactly a breeze but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle. Emotionally, my pregnancy was a storm- especially to husband but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle (Now you know why I married him). Time went by the usual way- clothes getting tighter (which wasn’t new to me, hehe :D) , hunger pangs in the middle of the night(have them since birth), mood swings (nope, not alien to me) and  wearing loose tops to office so that no one suspected until it was time to reveal. I used to patiently wait for doctor visits, especially for the ones with ultrasound for the little lubb-dub from the machine. Counting kicks after a hot cup of tea followed by a quick walk was always my favorite part of the day in later trimesters. Researching each symptom online, talking to my mom about them the next day and getting a lecture about “how internet ruins one’s peace of mind?” became a routine. Even things going smoothly used to raise my brows sometimes.

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Hubby bought me a few books to read to take the heat off my head (read: his head) and of them, few proved to be very useful. Especially pregnancy books like “what to expect when you are expecting ” and Mayo clinic’s “Guide to healthy pregnancy” came in handy. I had my own relaxation drill too- Looking at babies on Youtube and IG.  I must have seen at least a million photos of different babies on Instagram and at a point, I became obsessed with one baby’s video so much that I couldn’t sleep without seeing it at least once! No, I am not exaggerating even a bit. Have done many such quirky things and I blame it all on the pregnancy hormones. Ladies, hormonal changes is a very good excuse to use when you are both pregnant and weird.

mood-swings

With firsthand experience, I can suggest the following for a healthy and joyful nine months.

  • Invest in good pregnancy stuff- maternity pants, inner wear, shoes, and a pillow. Might burn a hole in the pocket but it is worth all that. Also, now is the best time to raid husband’s wardrobe.
  • Work out (unless your doctor says no)- It helps to keep the sugars in control and a tired body guarantees some sleep (Be prepared for pee-pee monster to ruin it)
  • Eat well- Golden rule for good health is to eat fresh and in limited amounts at regular intervals. Also, be well hydrated.
  • Contemplate good things- Read good books, watch good stuff and laugh to your heart’s content.
  • Read to your baby- Though it may seem filmy and cliché, it is a terrific way to bond with the baby.
  • Expect the unexpected- Not trying to be pessimistic, but making a baby isn’t as rosy as they show in the films. There can be complications during and after pregnancy , there can be surprises with the ultrasounds, there can be hurdles in the labor too. It is only practical to expect that things may not go as planned and accept the situation with a positive mind. In my case, I delivered earlier than I had planned!
  • Kegel exercises- Do enough kegels because it helps labor and postpartum too. This is something that I neglected and I regret it.
  • Keep some baby stuff ready if not all-cribs , bassinets, strollers and car seats. Choose from the myriad options available and take some Tylenol later because the choices will blow your mind.

I had a pregnancy buddy!

One of my best friends got pregnant just around the same time I did and I am elated that I had her as my  pregnancy buddy. We also took a short trip outside San Diego which I would like to call our own babymoon! We used to talk about surviving our symptoms and our men used to talk about surviving us. A sample conversation between the two couples on a dinner date was like this:

She:   I have swollen feet. I cannot sleep.
Me:  I have heartburn. I cannot sleep.
Her husband:   Rama has weird cravings. I had to run and get her a cake last night.
My husband:  Anu roars like a lion in her sleep. I had to wear headphones last night.

She was few weeks ahead and to my surprise, we pretty much shared every symptom. It was like both of us were running a relay and she was passing each of them to me after an interval. So much that I delivered right a week after she delivered!

Attended parenting and childbirth classes:

Folks back in India laughed at the mention of classes. They gave us the classic “did we not raise you properly without all that?” but guess what- those classes proved out to be useful. We were given a trailer of how our lives would turn out to be in the next 2-3months and that trailer is no joke, dear friends. I dug internet like a mouse about pregnancy and labor from day1 but the classes still had some new things to offer. We also met other super cool expecting couples!

Labor:

I had a tough labor and to be frank, husband also took a brunt of it(a very good one). He became equally sleep deprived and exhausted. We exercised, meditated, tried to catch a movie and even sleep through the contractions. He stayed positive but my courage lapsed slowly. In the last leg of labor, it felt like I would be in that room for the rest of my life lying in that position strapped to IV and monitor like a dog with people cheering to do something that I was incapable of. How horrifying that thought is! My midwife tricked me several times saying it was the end but it never seemed to come. I heard from my mother that she had tough labor too and it felt like I was tasting my own medicine. When it was time, everything happened in the blink of an eye and I was holding the baby to my chest next second. That feeling? Empowering.

Hospital stay was fun- three of us in a cozy room living each moment without thinking about the next. Sleep depravity did nothing to us- we kept looking at the little guy without batting our eye lids as he slept peacefully oblivious to the damage he did. Postpartum was (is) very hard and because something beautiful was made, I took it well (sniff). Visitors kept coming and one of my favorite bffs Harshi flew in to see him! We went home after a couple of days with the little one- mature and thankful that things turned out to be ok.

Of course, they spiced up again for us new parents. But, more about them later. Until then, cya!

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The backpack

Do you also have a backpack that is your favorite and which on emptying has restaurant bills from 325AD, one zipper that never opens or has been opened, one pocket which is meant to hold keys and coins but you never use it for them and one water bottle pocket that is only meant to hold this?

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Which backpack carrying grownup drinks water from these yaar?

Anyways, the backpack that I’m talking about is not just a bag with padded shoulder straps and roomy compartments for laptop and clothes. It is a holder. It holds emotions inside its pockets so that people only see the pack and never realize whether  useful things lie inside or simply rubbish. It holds those unsaid words which people want to say but eat instead. It holds those memories which they very carefully treasure like those photos which can never be deleted from one’s phone. Not even when the phone threatens to empty owner’s soul saying “low memory”.

The backpack that I’ve been carrying in the recent years is rather heavy because I packed mixed emotions inside- it is as heterogeneous as a Cadbury GEMS packet. From India to USA, I’ve come a long way (both literally and figuratively) as a person. Mixed emotions because sometimes, my heart says that I miss being that old Anupama and  sometimes I can clearly hear it say “Grow up,  woman!”

Living away from home teaches one to be responsible to say the least. For example, imagine coming home from work to a bed that was left unmade or a penalty for a missed bill. It reminds you immediately of your mother/father’s constant nagging to do somethings on time and her/his warning that that laziness would hurt later.  On a related note, It doesn’t hurt to say that those little acts of discipline that were imposed upon us are really what help us survive the extended stay away from home(with lesser discomfort). Back in those days when my mother used to ask me to clean the dining table while she cleaned up in the kitchen, I used to secretly hope that one day I’d run away to a house where there was a table-cleaning maid.

Living away from home in a foreign land also helped clear a lot of misconceptions that I had. A typical “frog in the well” me used to have some bad feelings about the West that most of the Indian mob have (which I won’t list here because I care for my skin).  And I am so glad today that I’ve been proven wrong! Few things that really impressed me at my workplace about them are how well they own up to their work without a fuss,  how easy and graceful it is to admit one’s shortcomings and how important the distinction between “break time” and “work time” is (talk about work-life balance).  Even on personal front, their sense of forgiveness and welcoming the differences with other person without judging is something that excited me. It is not an exaggeration if I said that I saw this missing in some of my own people.

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I’ve a strong feeling that I was Garfield in my last birth.

Times that make me sad are when I “virtually” attend a family event over Skype. Amidst a thousand  “Can you hear me?” “I can hear you but cannot see you” “I can only see X’s right ear and your finger” “It’s ok , send me the pictures” , I barely get to see the actual event and that quick peek brings out the homesick feeling from the backpack. It’s really hard to tuck this feeling back in. Interesting question (8 Marks): Is quantum teleportation really possible?

I also feel meh that I can never be the same pampered girl I was before marriage. Sure I enjoy the independence and power of running a household as “the queen” but the joy of being a “darling princess” at home cannot be matched. And the fact that kids born in 2000 are hitting adolescence while I’m nearing the ugly thirties is getting to my nerves. Sometimes, I wish I was born in the times of Ramayana or Mahabharata where some people could stay young forever.  Or in the later times say 3156 or 3567 when scientists will have invented some time-halting capsule.

Coming back to my backpack, it also has a dirty chamber where all my dark feelings go into. Lack of self-control to begin with. Along with easy loss of interest and deep brooding over certain things (tch..tch) , a teeny bit of jealousy lies underneath this pile of garbage. These feelings are like the shopping bills trash that never leave the bag.  I constantly try to throw each of them out of the bag but it is still heavy(This is why I stoop a little, you know). I am society fearing so I am generally tight-lipped ( and hence tight-zipped) if I were to use these.

I know that everybody’s backpack isn’t necessarily same as mine. You know what they say- to each their own.  But anyway, here’s a suggestion to everyone including myself- Travel light because it is a long journey!

15 from 15

My biggest resolution for ’16 is to be positive. I hurt my finger 3 days back and I took a positive step by not panicking at the sight of blood and positively put a band-aid on it from a box that had a big “+” symbol on it. So much positivity is happening! Jokes apart, I am serious about being “+”. I cannot guarantee how long I will stick to this but this is how I have interpreted my retrospects for now-  a list of all my lowlights and highlights from 2015:

1. I wasted a lot of time.
A LOT! Wasted time on stupid things on internet, on incomplete projects and on useless gossip. Lesson learnt. I should have at least written sriramajayam all this time for punyam.
Anyways, I did come across some nice magazines like outofprintmagazine and good blogs like madrasink, padmum and mrigankwarrier. Please suggest good sites that you have come across{Bhagawan ke naam pe}.

2. I was open to failures and criticism.
Failure in my life is like that one FB friend whom you try to avoid deliberately but he catches you however and ruins your mood with nasty talk. And criticism is just the elder brother of failure. It’s hard to escape from these tragic bros and it is necessary to tackle them with wit and patience. In relation to this, some reality check happened this year and I have accepted that it is for my own good.

3. Cleaned my friends list.
I still have 500+ friends in my fb list for the record. But that is not the measure you want. Real friends are those people who “like” you for what you are and help you better yourself instead of picking on your shortcomings and bitching about it. I realized I’ve few such friends and I’ve been a true friend to just some few.

Free advice: Distancing from negative thoughts and gossip will save you from lot of nonsense and gives you mental peace.

4.Traveled.
Or should I say that I took good vacation? I’d been to many new places including a new continent! I had bad experiences with some flights and better experiences with ground transportation but the best experience was to chill with the group I traveled.

5. Pushed my comfort levels.
I am not a sucker for thrills. My biggest thrill is to go to the top of a green mountain (by road, of course) and drink coffee while looking at the clouds on the same level. I had this thrill couple of times already. So this year, I snorkeled (YAY!) and zip-lined through a rain forest. You people who did scuba diving and sky diving- please don’t mock!

6. Cooked, baked and ate all of it.
What else would a foodie like me say? I took a shot at cooking a lot of recipes from yummly and numerous cooking blogs that I follow. Some of them like lasagna bombed like crazy but hey- some like veg pizza were near to pro. Once you get a hang of cooking, it also relieves stress. This strictly applies to cooking and not cleaning the aftermath!

7.Tried new things.
I tried new color on my hair, did eye makeup all by myself and also baking.

8.Became health and weight conscious
I was always cautious about my health but this year I took it to the next level with next thing- my weight. Hoping to see results in 2016 or 2017 or 2032. Or may be sometime before I die.

source: 4.bp.blogspot.com

9. Made a stranger smile.

10. Got inspired.
This is not new to me because I’ve a new list every year. My list this year has one colleague who is our entire team combined into one and one fb friend who took up a challenge in 2015 and finished it. However in my case, this feeling generally has the lifetime of a cheese stick on my plate(approx 4 sec). I’ve decided to do better next year.

11. Read zero books.
Not that I am one person who reads everything that Crossword sells but I do read books. Especially when friends like Ro recommend. This year, I read ZERO. Discounting the book that airplanes have in their seat pouch with the safety card.

12. Sang something that I learnt when I was in high school and pulled it off.
Can this be something that I can be really proud of? Please please.

13. Netflix/Hulu and chill.
Imagine a kid who lives on dal and curd rice. Send him to a lavish buffet that has a nominal fee and spread from across the world. Not that the kid has never been to a multi cuisine restaurant before but don’t you get the point already? No torrents, HD Video and no pain of searching internet.
PS: Please note that the dal and curd rice are still my staple food. Masala is okay too as long as it is not unhealthy. Cannot eat stale food however.

OMG! I’m full of analogies today 😀

PPS: I followed “How I met your mother” back then for some time(but not for long). Now I wish Ted never met kids’ mother at all. ‘Kuch kuch hota hai‘ has a better storyline FYI.

14. Met a close friend and laughed to my heart’s content.
Kd, the fire star. Someone who has her name written in RED on (almost)every page of my college life. Cheers to 10 years of awesomeness and all that! There is one more that I haven’t met recently, but all in good time!

15. Spent quality time writing in Telugu.
I wrote several articles in Telugu (most of them are lying as drafts in my gmail). I read them every now and then and edit them hoping to publish but I honestly have no idea what I want. Everything either seems preachy or pointless. I am critical of myself.

If you’re still with me – I conclude this with a hope to have a positive 16th point next year. Here’s wishing everyone a very healthy and prosperous new year.

Why I don’t blog often and other things

Thanks for asking. I never really thought someone will miss me blogging. As I rub the happy tears off my eyes, I get to touch the tiny brat- a pimple on my left cheek which I can hear saying ” I’ll leave one day but with a mark that I was here”. Let me tell you one thing. I have survived Hyderabad roads for 7-8 years of my prime adolescence and my face was pretty much clear at that time (whether I looked pretty or not is another question- I am not going to answer that). Don’t know why USA is so spiteful, I am always spotted with one or more beauty spots and my face has more oil than Digboi oil wells. Whenever I complain about this I just get one answer-

 ” You’re married kade. Marriage does that to you”.

There I said it for the first time on my blog- I’m married. Yes, almost for an year now. But this is not why I don’t find time to write. There is lot more to it. A tremendous change in my life occurred which is the only good thing I did after a lot of planning and research. I started counting calories and also cardio of beginner level. With only hope of losing those extra pounds that I gained after moving here. Note the drama in previous sentence and guess what happened? Exactly! I gained few more and now have reached a round figure (both literally and otherwise) to work out.

Again, the only answer I get when I whine about this is

“You’re married kade. Marriage does that to you”.

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I am one of those people who like to travel. Please don’t mistake to me an avid traveler who always has a back pack ready because travel in my dictionary has a different meaning. I don’t really mind going to a local place that is not picturesque or calling-for-DSLR and I would still call it travel. My only condition is that I have to to enjoy the trip. The tedious travel from my house in Hyderabad to the office location which happened to be a whole different planet from the city taught me this.

Last year has been wonderful that way- I got to tick off many places that I have on my must visit list. Kashmir to start with. I used to dream of visiting Kashmir ever since Roja. When I actually saw its snow-capped mountains and valleys with my eyes ,I felt cameras are useless. Kashmir is divine and nothing less. I wanted to write a detailed travel blog with when-what-how-where about Kashmir and never found time.

We also went to Hawaii (Kauai) and saw the most famous Jurassic park water falls with several other attractions. With legs that have the history of Vizag steel plant, a trip cannot be simple and hence the next things happened. Hawaii islands were issued flood alert on one Monday and we landed there on that Monday morning. We planned to stay there till Thursday and so said the warning about the floods. But thankfully, we covered every place on the island with some smart planning and we also did some shopping! It was one experience which definitely has to go in this blog but as you must have got it- I have the topics, but no time!

By no time I mean not even in weekends. All I get to do in weekends (if I am not traveling or visiting friends) is pressing clothes, groceries, experimental cooking and sleeping without the sense of time. Yeah, I know what you’ll say.

“You’re married kade. Marriage does that to you.”

Another topic I had in mind was that of those annoying people who try to wax eloquent of “Arranged marriage”. I believe in marriages and really do not care whether it is love/arranged. I also believe (and would like to continue believing) I got whom I wanted and that sums up to a perfect marriage. My only little peeve is that he cannot immediately get the Telugu movie references I make in every sentence (KD , I miss you!) . Well I cannot really blame him because I am weird that way. I have the history of encouraging Tollywood without any bias- be it Vinod kumar’s or Mahesh babu’s I will watch it (Just kidding, I never touched this guy’s movies).

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Jokes apart, My husband really is a good keeper. We are a happy couple. So are my 30 other friends who had an arranged marriage. And 100 other couples I know. There must be several thousands of such happy people. There is no golden rule about marriages and in fact any relationship. If you don’t try to save it, you’ll lose it. Well, if you want to argue that people who had arranged marriage won’t try please donate your organs to Osmania and suicide. I wanted to write it a detailed blog post to vex  out this frustration but an inner voice this time said

“You’re married kade. Now you know it. They will learn it themselves.”

That’s it for now. One blog post to sum up my life- relationship status, location, weekend plans and latest peeves.

You may ask “why this hurry?”. I have an answer ready-

“I’m married kada!”

Of Solitude

Solitude, according to wordweb, is a state of social isolation. What my little brain tells me of this is – To be solitary, one has to log off FB/Twitter accounts, look for a place where there is no second person and should indulge in something for self.  This ideally should mean that solitude is a state of body and not of soul. Right? Wrong!

Physically being away from people is not exactly solitude. Possibly it just means that one is lonely.  And such lonely thinkers are very much prone to ugly thoughts which have the knack of opening a gift present packed with “depression” without their knowledge.

Some examples:

  • Unreasonable questions:

aavu goda meedaki ekki akkada peda ela vesindantav?

Pic says it all.  The moment such a question strikes is the moment in which you’ve stepped on a landmine. Congratulations, until you know the answer you cannot budge.

  •  Spooks that can scare the hell out of you.

source: clipartpal.com

I don’t generally believe in ghosts  but when I’m alone or it is dark outside, I do.

My honest advice is to master at least one religious prayer based on your trusts. Or if it is beyond you, you may  want to ponder mythologies or myths in them. For example, what ornaments Sita must have been wearing during their exile for her to throw them down to ground?

  •  Why relationships can be disastrous some times

The most useless discussions one can have with self are about relationships.  And quite dangerous too. Because they affect the self-esteem of the thinker. When alone, some people become extremely critical about their partners and eventually end up reaching the summit of self-love. Some others keep blaming themselves for being bad judges and bad decision makers thus belittling and hating themselves.

  • “What-if”

The dreadful question that is proven to have ruined happiness of several curious-but-not-risk-taking souls. Wondering what is on the road not taken is not probably wrong. But assuming it is ALWAYS brighter will only ruin the peace of mind. And will certainly make the current place seem dark.

  • How to change the world.

With due respects to all the people who really brought some change to the world after solitary contemplations, I feel it is very likely for one to get lost in this thought process. One of the reasons for this could be:

IMO, this kind of  isolation does more bad than good to anyone.  The best way to enjoy solitude is to keep the negative thoughts away and have at least one of your senses engaged. Touch the bed, sleep in the bliss. Eat your favorite item, devour the blissful taste. Listen to your favorite music, enjoy the blissful tunes. Read a good book or go visit a nice place, look out for the bliss in them. Smell the rain,  smell the aroma of filter coffee in your hand and enjoy your solitude- it’s a bliss!

All I need is…

Sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry over. That shoulder which puts an arm across and pats saying “You’ll be alright”.

Sometimes it is just two legs which walk along. They do not care where I’m going, they just come along to give a feeling that I am not alone.

Sometimes it is the hand which is let across for me to hold. First thing I ever want to do when in trouble is hold someone’s hand. Something which we were taught ever since we came to this world.

Sometimes it is the ear which is always open to all the nonsense I talk. An ear which doesn’t judge my stupidity.

Sometimes  just the eyes which do all the talking. World’s best feelings are not said aloud, they are shown in eyes. Love, anger, gratitude or whatsoever it might be.

Sometimes it is two lips which say a lot of words that complement the inner feelings. It is amazing to hear the words come from someone’s mouth.

I was asked to choose one for the rest of my life and I chose to win the heart to whom I do not mind losing.

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Source: christianschoolstoday.com

After all, none of the above is worth looking for if it is coming from a heartless being. So dear fellow, If you really love/admire/worship/hate/despise someone, let it be heartfelt. Just heartfelt. The only thing you can do to cross the skies and reach that someone.

SWDKL-2

SWDKL-1 continues:

I paused for a while when he said that.
Em sir? Drop aa?” my cousin’s question pierced me very hard.
While my heart longed to take it further my brain warned me that there is no slightest hope of my parents’ approval for this. We reached my cousin’s house but my thoughts dint cease. My cousin’s pre-wedding ritual was everything but fun. Every single couple reminded me of her and I was constantly imagining myself with her in their shoes. I talked to the girl whom my dad had asked me to meet but something didn’t feel right. I should have decently dropped Sneha after knowing her rather than just after knowing that she cannot speak.

I wooed Sneha without her notice for several days. I also met her in our gang hangouts and interacted with her. Every little thing I knew about her impressed me and my fondness for her grew thicker. Decision making was again hard because I knew I loved her and that my parents wouldn’t approve it.
******
“Karthik? Did you like Paddu?” My mother was asking me about my uncle’s daughter on phone.
“Not very much.”
“Why? What’s wrong with her?”
“Umm..err..she is short.” I lied.
“Short? Uh? You’ve always liked girls who sing. And that girl sings really well.”
Sing? I was waiting for a chance to tell my mom about a girl who cannot speak, let alone sing.
“What? Karthik come on, won’t you tell mummy what happened?”
“Actually ..I think I like another girl.”
“Another girl?”
“See..I told you he has a girlfriend.” I could hear my grandmother chuckle in the background.
“Who is she?” My mother turned serious.
“Surya’s schoolmate. I know her through friends.”
“And?”
“Mom, She is a very nice girl. Well read, pretty and comes from a good family.”
“And?” I knew what my mom was asking.
“There’s only one problem.”
“What is it?”
“Umm..She cannot speak.”
“You’re nuts Karthik. This is not happening. Its okay if you don’t like Paddu but please don’t do this to us.”
Actually the last few sentences were the ones which I kept on repeating until my mom gave up on me. Strangely, my father opined that they should at least consider my proposal. And like in every other Indian home, we both convinced my mom who said her decision would be final and of course, unbiased. The next two duties I had were to win Sneha’s heart and make her win my mother’s heart.
****
“Go tell her dude. What are you waiting for?” My cousin’s question was too easy.
“What I am saying is don’t waste time and try to expedite this whole thing. What if some other Karthik likes her on her way back to Hyd?” She had a point.
“Spare us some privacy tomorrow. I shall meet her before you guys come to the garden top restaurant.” We had planned a farewell party to our recently wed cousin.
“Okay your Majesty. We shall arrive late to hear the good news.”
Suddenly I felt butterflies in my stomach. What if she rejected my proposal?
“Why would she say NO? You are learned, comfortably well-off and of course smart. To top all this, you come with the NRI tag” Though I knew I was all that, I felt good to hear it from her mouth.
“Stop it now and wish me luck”.
*****
Sneha was sitting alone on a bench with a hand on her chin. I always found Sneha’s face pleasant despite of the gloom around her. May be I loved her for that. I went to her and wished her a hi which she reciprocated.
“Are you waiting for Pavan and friends?” She nodded her head.
I rehearsed several times on how to get to the proposal line. I thought I would ask her why she cried and then tell her that breaking her engagement was the right decision. Then I would tell her how priceless she is. Then I would propose my love to her. Neatly woven.
I had to start a conversation somehow.
“Hey..I am sorry I smiled at you that day when you were crying. I dint find it funny. I found it cute instead.” She had a beautiful expression which read “your apology is accepted”.
“Are you still upset that it has been called off?” She looked at me with a shocked expression and her eyes were about to get wet any moment. May be she was upset that I was aware of her secret.
“Trust me. Whatever has happened ,is the best thing that can happen to you ever.” She managed a smile.
“Someone worthy must be waiting somewhere.” I said that aloud and “right in front of you” to myself. She smiled again, this time more heartfelt. I had to let out “the” line next but I balked. The silence between us was so intense that I could hear my heartbeat. I was known to be a blunt and outspoken person who never hesitates to speak his mind but there I was tongue less about something that HAD to be conveyed somehow.
“Why don’t you… I mean… Why didn’t you… Didn’t you ever like a guy? Why this arranged marriage crap?” I blabbered some nonsense. She shrugged her shoulders.
“I think you should. It will be good for you. Compatibility guaranteed.” She folded her hands and looked at me with “Really?” expression on her face.
“Yeah. Believe me. I won’t let someone come into my life just because my mom/dad had asked her to. One reason why I am seeing a girl.” I said that without taking my eyes off her.
She gestured “who?”
I mustered courage and slowly said “It is you.” She shook her head and looked away from me.
It was evident from her face that she was shocked and what pained even more was that she didn’t like what I said.
“Its ok if u don’t like me. I am not born to impress people.” My male ego got hurt. My statement was rude and it brought tears to her eyes. None of us looked at each other until Pavan and others arrived. Even later, we behaved like strangers. My cousin understood the scene and dint ask any details. I looked at her when we got ready to leave. She was in her own world as usual.